DEAR JUAN: My virgin friend won't stop trolling Chris Chan!

Hola amigos, it’s your pal Señor Juan!

December crazy gringo reader Cave leave comment on dear Juan article with question. Señor Cave ask many stupid question but AJ tell Juan Cave is loyal reader must answer stupid question from Cave sometime. AJ also ask Juan why no read comment and answer reader. Juan very sorry AJ Juan very busy work real job no sit on el culo in office every day look at la computadora.

Juan read comment from Señor Cave say “yes amigo I answer in January por favor” but abuela die in December and Juan go to Mexico no come back until January. Juan very busy forget about Señor Cave ask question instead answer question from man about drone fly over New Jersey. Juan answer question and AJ say “yes Juan that is good but you still no answer question from Señor Cave”.

Perdóname Señor Cave Juan make mistake but answer question now here is question Cave ask.

Dear Juan,

Chris Chan has a girlfriend now, but my friend who wastes their days trying to troll him is still a virgin. My friend is 40 years old. How do I get him to stop?

Cave J.

Juan no sure who Chris Chan is so Juan ask AJ. AJ laugh very hard tell Juan use Google and see. Frosty there too and Frosty say “I want to know who Chris Chan is too por favor please show me”. Juan go to Google ask who is Chris Chan.

¡Dios mío!

Holy shit what in the fuck. Juan see many crazy person but Juan no see crazy person like Chris Chan. Juan see very old video Chris Chan play with dick is very bent. Frosty laugh at dick but then Chris Chan finish play with dick cum into soda and drink Frosty say “Hell no I am out of here Juan I go drink many beer pass out now” and leave.

First Juan say no help amigo del Señor Cave help Chris Chan instead but AJ tell Juan no. Juan say what you mean Chris Chan need help but AJ say many people try help Chris Chan it no work because Chris Chan too crazy and also have many person with no life who say no help Chris Chan because they make fun of him troll him. Juan no afraid of stupid idiot troll but AJ tell Juan is no worth fight Chris Chan troll so Juan say that is fine give advice amigo del Señor Cave instead.

Señor Cave, you must think why friend troll Chris Chan. You say friend is 40 years old virgin no have sex. Juan see Chris Chan have sex with girl even though he is crazy turn into girl too. Juan think friend see crazy gringo Chris Chan have sex with girl and get mad because he no have sex with girl.

You must be good friend Señor Cave. You must say to friend “ey amigo why you waste time troll crazy gringo Chris Chan? Get off of la computadora por favor we go to bar watch futbol game many senorita too. You watch Messi score goal maybe you score too amigo hahaha”. You take friend to bar buy many drink get very drunk and have fun with many senorita. If friend is fat then that is okay too you take friend to gym lift many heavy weight get big and strong muscle it is very easy Juan do it every day. You must keep friend busy no have time to troll Chris Chan. You keep friend busy go outside talk to woman instead troll fat crazy gringo on internet. Friend still no have sex then you take road trip to Tijuana buy prostituta cheap have mucho sex.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Send him an email at [email protected] or leave a comment below and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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