DEAR JUAN: Bosses and Riddles

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Juan go to AJnet office pick up check and AJ say “ey Juan you see crazy gringo Frosty? No talk to him in long time.” Juan say no I call him now. Juan call Frosty but phone go to voicemail. Frosty crazy gringo yes but Frosty also mi amigo so Juan very worried. AJ say okay I call other crazy gringo Alex Jonestown instead he is Frosty amigo too maybe he talk to Frosty.

AJ call Alex and Alex say yes he get call from Frosty last week say he is lost but no say where. Alex say Frosty tell him “ey pendejo I say I am lost if I know where I am then I no lost stupid idiot help me.” Alex tell Frosty use Google map find way home Frosty say yes you are right I use Google map see you soon amigo. Alex say Frosty no call again no answer phone.

Juan ask AJ what do. AJ say no have time look for Frosty because company move to New Jersey in September. AJ tell Juan “Frosty will be fine amigo no worry maybe he go to Asia again hahaha”. Juan say yes you are right but Juan very worried about Frosty. Frosty if you are reading this please call me so I know that you’re safe.

Today Juan answer question from girl see madre with el jefe de padre.

Dear Juan,

I think my mom is cheating on my dad with his boss.

I went to Chipotle with my friend to get lunch and saw her come out of the McDonald’s next door with a guy. I thought he looked familiar, then I remembered where I saw him before: he’s my dad’s boss. He slapped my mom on her ass in a playful way and she laughed and kissed him. My mom got into her car and my dad’s boss got into his and they left. I asked my mom about it later and she said she wasn’t at McDonald’s. But she looked nervous like she hiding something.

I think I should tell my dad but I don’t have any proof so it’s my word against my mom and I don’t know if he’ll believe me. What do you think I should do?

Gina from Ohio

Ey Señora Gina why you go to Chipotle is fake Mexican food? come to Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop have real Mexican food is good. Haha just kidding but you come to Uncle Paco shop buy many taco tshirt too tell them Juan send you they give you discount.

Juan read question say yes you are right Juan think tu madre cheat on dad with el jefe why they go to McDonald’s in two car and why el jefe touch el culo de tu madre? Juan say is because tu madre order big Mac extra sauce but no burger. Tu madre come from dirty sex hotel with el jefe de padre say “ey you are cheap and easy so we have cheap and easy lunch we have mucho sex then I buy you McDonald’s señora.”

Juan think yes you must tell padre but you say no proof so maybe you no do this. That is why you must make madre tell him. You say “how I do that Juan?” It is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it right now.

You no have proof so you must make proof Señora Gina. You ask tu madre drive you to store then come home say “ey papá I find this in madre car I think it is yours you drop it in seat”. Give padre business card from el jefe. Padre see business card from el jefe say to madre “what in the hell this is mi jefe why you have this I no ride in car how this get there?” Maybe tu madre make up story explain gringo business card that is fine Señora Gina because she no explain why el jefe send flower to house. You buy flower for tu madre send to house say from el jefe buy card too say “a gift for you mi amor we go to McDonald’s have big Mac next time go to Burger King I give you whopper”. Padre say what the fuck and that is when you come in say yes papá I think I see madre and el jefe go to McDonald’s yesterday I no sure it them but now I think it was call gringa friend she say “yes I see too Gina no tell lie el jefe smack her on el culo too.” Tu padre say “I believe you hija tu madre cheat on me with el jefe that is fine because I get divorce quit job too get new job make mucho dinero. I go to gym lift many heavy weight grow manly beard too become very strong have sex with many senorita and first senorita I have sex with is el jefe’s wife no fuck with me cabrón.” Tu madre cry say please forgive me but padre say forgive this puta and fart really loud. Tu padre say okay I leave now I love you hija tell wife go fuck herself and drive away play song by badass band ACDC.

Juan read last paragraph think is funny first but Juan read again see is not. That is fine you still listen to give advice business card and flowers make padre ask tu madre many question and madre tell padre truth.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Juan also get email from crazy gringo Ty no ask question but AJ say answer anyway is loyal reader si jefe Juan answer right away.

Dear Juan,

Riddle me this, Batman!

I’m full of holes, yet I can hold water. You can squeeze me, but I won’t hug back. What am I?

Ty G.

You are pendejo Señor Ty that is what Juan say you are.

Why you ask stupid question no advice? You see advice column is called dear Juan not tell Juan stupid joke. You want joke Juan tell you joke

I am stupid idiot send many email to advice column on Angry Jerk website no ask for advice instead I tell stupid joke. Joke no funny but I tell anyway because I no funny. What am I?

You no guess answer? Juan tell you. Answer is you Señor Ty. No send Juan stupid joke email again you need advice you send Juan email Juan give advice but no answer joke.

Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected], and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

See author's posts