DEAR JUAN: My husband has been lying about going to work!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

Juan go to work every day at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop work very hard make mucho taco for hungry customer and make mucho dinero for Juan. Juan see gringo say “aye yai yai I no have job because job market no bueno is not my fault i stay at home play video game all day” but that is because gringo lazy and no want to work. Mexican see this and say “that is fine señor we do work instead make mucho dinero” There are many job Juan go to diner la mesera say “sorry for long wait señor we are very busy but only have one cook”. Juan see sign on door say help wanted so why gringo say is no job? Juan say is because gringo muy vago. Mexican see sign say yes I cook for you I come to work after morning job we put carpet in gringo apartment.

You read this you say “ey Juan you are stupid idiot gringo no not work at diner because lazy gringo no work at diner because diner no pay mucho dinero. How gringo pay rent no make mucho dinero?” Juan say yes you are right but that is why you work two job and share apartment with amigo too. Señor Dueño say rent is due amigo you pay now then you must pay Señor Dueño no matter what. You say “Sorry Señor Dueño I no have rent money because job market no bueno” Señor Dueño say “get the fuck out of my house cabrón”. You want to be like stinky homeless man Juan see sleep on dirty bench? Juan think no. That is why you must work hard. Juan see gringo say he no have money to pay rent but gringo have money buy drugs and beer every day so Juan think gringo tell stupid lie.

Today Juan answer question from woman who say husband get fired from job but still pretend he have job:

Dear Juan,

I found out my husband has been pretending to go to work for 3 months.

He leaves at 8 every morning, and comes home tired at 6. Today I found a termination letter from October in his bag. I checked our savings and realized that he’s been draining it to fake his “paycheck” deposits every two weeks! And he was sitting next to me yesterday complaining about his boss even though he hasnt worked there in 3 months…

He lied to my face everyday for 90 days and the money’s almost gone. I honestly dont know what to do…

Mara

Juan know what to do Señora Mara Juan say you must leave stupid lying cheater husband.

You read this you say “What in the hell Juan you no read question? I no say husband cheat on me!” You no say husband cheat but Juan think husband cheat because you say husband leave at 8 every morning come home tired at 6. husband no go to work then he go where 10 hours every day? He come home tired but no go to work? Juan say sorry Señora Mara but husband go to have sex with other woman for 10 hours every day. Dirty cheater husband have sex with stupid woman then come home say “Mi esposa I am very tired I have long and hard day at office boss ride me all day”. Dirty cheater husband say this but what dirty cheater husband really say is “I have sex all day and woman ride my long and hard verga now I am tired from have mucho sex”.

You no believe Juan well Juan say catch dirty cheater husband see for yourself is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it right now.

First you must tell husband you have new job at gringo office. Husband leave at 8 then you must leave at 7:30. You say “okay mi esposa I go to gringo office now bye bye”. No go to gringo office. Instead you must hide and watch husband leave. Follow husband like crazy gringo Juan see in movie wear disguise. You follow husband you see he go to house maybe is la casa de tu amiga maybe is la casa de tu hermana Juan no sure that is why you follow husband and see.

You follow husband to house you wait until lunch time ring doorbell say “hello señor I have pizza delivery for you open door por favor”. Woman say no order pizza but cheating husband no have job say “give me free pizza I answer door” because he is stupid idiot. Husband open door think he get pizza. Instead husband get caught cheating.

Husband open door see you and say “Mi esposa you say get new job” you say “I do get new job gilipollas I am detective now I catch you cheat pendejo I also find paper in bag say you no work fired from job in October we are through stupid fucking idiot I am glad you have sex with woman at her house because now you stay here no come home puto”. Then you go to club and dance like gringa Taylor Swift shake it off. Juan also say poop in suit case and put husband clothes in poop suit case but you are woman so you no make poop joke give husband clothes to strange man Juan see do drugs behind 7-11 store.

Señora Mara you must get job and leave husband. Maybe Juan wrong and husband no cheat that is fine you still get job and leave anyway because husband tell lie and use saving money too. No trust husband who steal saving money. Get two job or move in with gringa friend do whatever you must do to leave husband. Juan know is very hard but you must be strong. You leave husband get job make mucho dinero. One day you see husband on street beg for money and you tell policía “Stinky homeless man try to touch me arrest him por favor”. Husband go to jail and have sex with large black man instead of woman.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Send Juan an email at [email protected] or leave a comment below and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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