DEAR JUAN: Cereal, Capitalism, and Combat

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

Juan work at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop make taco and burrito for many hungry customer.

Uncle Paco tell Juan “Juanito you come to work tomorrow early por favor”. Juan say yes what time you want and Uncle Paco tell Juan come 6 in morning. Juan say what you mean no open until 11 but Uncle Paco say “No Juan we open at 7 now sell breakfast.” Uncle Paco say Juan must cook huevos rancheros what in the hell Juan no cook huevos rancheros.

Juan tell Uncle Paco ask Mi Hermano Rico instead cook huevos rancheros muy bueno. Mi Hermano Rico say “yes Uncle Paco I cook huevos rancheros tomorrow morning is best huevos rancheros you eat”. Uncle Paco say okay is fine but is not fine because Mi Hermano Rico drink mucho Corona all night call Juan next morning say “aye yai yai Juanito estoy crudo I drink too much last night you cover for me cook huevos rancheros por favor”. Uncle Paco say te fastidias Juan you must cook huevos rancheros today but that is life.

Today Juan answer question about breakfast. Señor Anonymous ask Juan about cereal.

Dear Juan,

Hola, my wise amigo of questionable life advice! I come to you burdened by the weight of a modern tragedy—breakfast.

You see, I was raised on Zucaritas—you know, what the gringos call Frosted Flakes. Somewhere along the line, Tony the Tiger convinced me that ingesting pure crystallized sugar before school would make me “grrreat!” I believed him, Señor Juan. I believed that the secret to strength and joy was a blue box full of weaponized glucose.

Now that I am older, I see the sinister hand of capitalism, spoon-feeding us addiction under the banner of breakfast. The children of America (and half of Latin America, thanks to imported commercials) were brainwashed into worshiping cartoon mascots—priests of processed sugar, prophets of the pantry.

So, oh great dispenser of questionable wisdom, I ask: what are your thoughts on sugar as an intoxicant of the masses? Is Tony the Tiger merely a furry drug dealer in a neckerchief? Are Frankenberry and Count Chocula vampiric symbols of late-stage capitalism? Is Trix the sad clown of our childhood delusions?

And, most importantly—if all these mascots were forced into a gladiatorial brawl, who would emerge victorious? My gut tells me Tony the Tiger would win. He’s shredded, optimistic, and probably juiced on more than just corn syrup.

Please, enlighten me, Señor Juan. Should I renounce sugar and embrace the bland salvation of oatmeal, or should I double down and accept that capitalism tastes like marshmallows and regret?

Forever lost in the cereal aisle,

Anonymous

Gringo read question see Zucaritas say “what in the hell is zucaritas?”. In Mexico buy gringo cereal but have special Mexico name. gringo eat Frosted Flakes but in Mexico is called Zucaritas instead.

American cereal is sweeter than Mexican cereal because American cereal has more sugar. Juan have American cereal first time say “what in the hell Rico why you put more sugar in box pendejo”. Mi Hermano Rico say “no Juan is gringo cereal have mucho azúcar”. Juan ask why gringo eat mucho azúcar it is very bad for you and Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan “why you think gringo very fat and lazy Juan? Gringo eat mucho azúcar every day get fat and lazy.”

You say Zucaritas mascot is drug dealer. Let Juan tell you about zucaritas mascot. Gringo call mascot Tony Tiger but in Mexico he is El Tigre Toño. Gringo watch TV see Tony Tiger say “grrrreat!” but in Mexico El Tigre Toño say “grrrriquisimas!” is how you say delicious. Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez little Juanito go to store with Mi Hermana Josefina see El Tigre Toño on box say “I want Zucaritas I grow up be big and strong like El Tigre Toño ¡grrrriquisimas!”. Mi Hermana Josefina tell little Juanito “no hermanito no eat sugar cereal is bad you eat this instead” buy Juan oatmeal instead. Oatmeal have sugar but no have mucho azúcar like cereal so is good. Little Juanito eat oatmeal play futbol like Pelé little Juanito best in Ciudad Juárez.

You read this you say “Juan you no read? I no ask question about little Juanito I ask question about sugar cereal and little child”. Juan say yes El Tigre Toño make little child want sugar cereal but Juan also say is parent buy sugar cereal for little child. Mi Hermana Josefina like parent to little Juanito so no buy sugar cereal. Juan go to gringo restaurant Chick-fil-A see little gringo boy scream at su madre “I WANT MILKSHAKE”. Madre say “no Liam no buy milkshake today” but little gringo boy scream and cry then madre say “aye yai yai okay Liam I buy you milkshake no scream cry por favor”. Little Juanito scream and cry Mi Hermana Josefina say “that is fine Juanito I give you something to scream and cry about later mocoso” take little Juanito home hit el culo with frying pan. Juan think gringo madre no hit little gringo boy and that is why he scream and cry. Little gringo boy scream and cry drink mucho milkshake get very fat get diabetes too and is because su madre no say no.

Yes Señor Anonymous El Tigre Toño is drug dealer but he no force you to take drug. Juan say parent must feed child good food sugar is okay sometimes but no eat every morning get fat and diabetes too.

Juan go to Mexico visit mi amigo Javier many year ago see cereal box have big sticker on mascot. Juan say what is this and Javier tell Juan Mexican government say “ey why you put cartoon on junk food?” Cereal company say “is to sell more cereal Señor Gobierno make mucho dinero”. Mexican government say “Cereal es no bueno have mucho azúcar you no use cartoon sell bad food to kid stupid idiot is crime now”. Mexican government say must put sticker on cereal mascot now.

Juan say yes El Tigre Toño take mucho steroid Juan also think El Tigre Toño do drug cocaína too but no win big fight. Juan say Lucky charm mascot win fight he is duende use magic power say “Top o’ the mornin’ laddy! You’ll never get me Lucky Charms!” turn El Tigre Toño into pinata beat him with leprechaun stick.

Is fine eat cereal sometimes but no eat every day Señor Anonymous you eat cereal every day you get fat and lazy like gringo Juan see in power scooter at Walmart. Oatmeal no bland amigo you must make it taste good. Juan put fruit in oatmeal blueberry banana strawberry is very good you put fruit in oatmeal eat very healthy instead of cereal.

Best of luck to you amigo.

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Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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