DEAR JUAN: My landlord is lazy!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan back with more advice!

Juan get many question from gringo reader every day ask for advice. Juan get many question from gringo reader no ask for advice tell stupid joke instead. Juan say no answer but AJ tell Juan “You must answer joke question sometime reader eat that shit up amigo”. Juan no understand why reader eat poop but is AJ site so Juan must do what AJ say.

Señor Ty send Juan many stupid joke question and Juan answer sometimes. Señor Ty ask Juan stupid riddle last time you go read now is very good article.

Today Señor Ty no ask Juan stupid joke question. Today Señor Ty ask Juan advice about real problem. Juan see email from Señor Ty say “Aye yai yai look it is this pendejo here we go again” but Juan read email see is real question need real advice holy shit you almost give Juan heart attack Juan muy sorprendido.

Señor Ty have problem with lazy landlord so today Juan help him give Señor Ty best advice Juan ever give.

Dear Juan,

Okay okay, I get it. My jokes aren’t funny. I really need your advice this time though.

My landlord is a lazy POS. I’ve lived in this apartment for three years and this fucker is the laziest man I’ve ever met! I have to get on my knees and beg him to fix anything that breaks. The ceiling in my bathroom collapsed from a leak in the apartment that’s above mine. He fixed the leak (I think?) but he never fixed the hole above my toilet. He cut another hole in the garage that’s under my bathroom and never closed it. Now roaches are coming in and he keeps saying he’s going to fix it. It’s been six months now asshole!

He’s responsible for mowing our lawn too but it looks like the Amazon out there. I’d cut it myself but he keeps the mower locked up in the garage and I don’t have the key.

He fixed the sink in our basement but the old sink has been sitting in the lawn for months now. I keep finding tickets from the township in the mail and I’m pretty sure they’re for this. They’re in his name so not my circus not my monkey, but the neighbors all look at me like I’m white trailer trash when I’m outside.

How can I light a fire under my landlords ass? Or can I move in with you? I promise I’m clean and I’ll always pay my share of the rent!

Ty G.

Hell no you no move in with Juan no want roommate tell stupid joke.

Long time ago when Juan come to America have problem with lazy landlord too let Juan tell you story now.

Juan rent cheap apartment with Mi Hermano Rico and Mi Primo Hector from gringo landlord Butch. Butch muy gordo y perezoso no fix hole in wall and leaky pipe in kitchen. Juan say “Señor Dueño there is big hole in wall Juan see rat come out of it and drink water from leaky pipe under sink please fix por favor”. Landlord Butch say “what you mean is fine Juan put poster over hole. You like badass rock band Iron Maiden put Iron Maiden poster over hole.” Juan say yes but what about leaky pipe. Landlord Butch get angry tell Juan “ey ey EY why you break balls Juan? You cry too much Juan you cry more than leaky pipe. Is not bad just put bucket under it amigo.” Juan say yes is fine but is not fine Juan put poster over hole and rat rip poster what in the hell.

Juan tell Mi Hermano Rico and Mi Primo Hector. Mi Hermano Rico say yes you are right Juanito but what do. Mi Primo Hector say “Niños I have idea we go to gringo store Home Depot.” Mi Hermano Rico say no work now must fix apartment but Mi Primo Hector tell Mi Hermano Rico “No go to Home Depot for work go to Home Depot fix apartment.”

Go to Home Depot Mi Primo Hector say “Okay niños we buy supply fix apartment now what we need”. Mi Hermano Rico do construction so Mi Hermano Rico say “We must buy drywall fix hole”. Mi Primo Hector say okay we go to drywall aisle. Go to drywall aisle Juan say “Look I find drywall is right here”. Mi Primo Hector say “aye yai yai Juan what you do is cheap drywall no bueno”. Juan say what you mean and Mi Primo Hector tell Juan we must buy good drywall for Landlord Butch house worth mucho dinero use good supply. Mi Primo Hector say “You must think like el dueño, niños”. Mi Hermano Rico say yes you are right Hector I go buy good spackle too.

Mi Primo Hector say now we fix leaky pipe and go to plumbing aisle. Juan pick up PVC plastic pipe but Mi Primo Hector say “Aye yai yai Juanito you no pay attention? We must buy good supply make good house for Landlord Butch. No use cheap plastic toy pipe use copper pipe instead.” Mi Hermano Rico call Juan pendejo slap Juan in head so Juan hit Mi Hermano Rico with plastic pipe have pipe fight in store but that is not important now. Mi Primo Hector grab pipe connector shark bite too Juan see price is very expensive.

Juan say yes is good but how we pay for supply is mucho dinero. Mi Primo Hector say no pay today is five finger discount day run out of store put supply in truck what in the hell.

Juan and Mi Hermano Rico fix apartment and Mi Primo Hector say yes that is good but no work for free. Landlord Butch must pay for service. Landlord Butch come get rent say “ey you are short on rent stupid beaner what the fuck is this”. Mi Primo Hector tell Landlord Butch “is service charge Señor Dueño we fix hole in wall leaky pipe too see look I show you now amigo.” Landlord Butch say yes but short $500 on rent no cost $500 fix hole in wall and leaky pipe. Mi Primo Hector tell Landlord Butch “We use good supply to fix no use cheap supply señor you pay for quality.” Mi Hermano Rico show Landlord Butch fake receipt make on computer say “yes see look here is receipt for supply we give you good discount too amigo.” Landlord Butch see very expensive receipt say “¡Dios mío! Why you spend mucho dinero fix wall and pipe I fix for half price tell me next time I fix instead.” Mi Primo Hector say yes Señor Dueño we call you next time save you mucho dinero. Landlord Butch fix apartment every time.

Señor Ty, you must be like Mi Primo Hector. You must think like el dueño. You fix apartment cut grass too but you no work for free. You say lawn mower locked up then you must buy lawn mower is supply buy good lawn mower cut grass. Juan tell Uncle Paco about sink Uncle Paco ask is sink metal if yes take to scrap yard sell for mucho dinero tell landlord “Gringo crackhead steal sink Señor Dueño I see him run down street with it.” You fix everything but you no steal like Mi Primo Hector you steal you go to jail live with large black man instead no bueno.

Landlord say “ey why you short on rent Señor Ty” you tell landlord “I fix problem you no fix no worry about pay for work I take out of rent instead amigo”. Landlord get angry tell him that is your rate he no like next time he get someone else fix apartment. You do this landlord fix apartment or landlord pay you mucho dinero instead Juan say you are always winner.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

See author's posts