File 032526-047 – Birthdays

In February of 2023, an unidentified flying object was shot down over Lake Huron and retrieved by the US military. Its sole occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto” and interviewed by base personnel. The transcripts of these interviews have been provided by an unnamed source working inside a three letter agency.

The following is a transcript of an interview with Xyzabcrst about birthdays.

 

Major: You requested this one.

Xyzabcrst: Yes.

Lieutenant: What’s the topic this time?

Xyzabcrst: Birthdays.

Major: Alright. Go ahead.

Xyzabcrst: I have been observing your data networks. There is a recurring custom in which humans gather to acknowledge the completion of a single planetary orbit since their emergence from a biological host.

Lieutenant: You mean turning a year older?

Xyzabcrst: Yes.

Major: And that caught your attention?

Xyzabcrst: The ritual makes no sense. It is unsanitary and emotionally inconsistent. I wish to understand why it persists.

Lieutenant: Well we’re off to a great start.

Major: For the record, what do you already know about birthdays?

Xyzabcrst: Humans celebrate the anniversary of their emergence from a biological host by consuming large quantities of sugar, receiving objects of arbitrary utility, and reminding themselves that they are closer to death.

Lieutenant: Jesus Christ.

Major: That’s… bleak.

Xyzabcrst: It is accurate.

Lieutenant: I mean, there’s more to it than that. Birthdays are also about celebrating life. They help us mark important milestones and create sentimental memories.

Xyzabcrst: Yes. You gather others to acknowledge that you have not yet expired.

Major: That’s not how people think about it.

Xyzabcrst: It is how your biology functions regardless of your thoughts.

Major: Do your species celebrate anything like birthdays?

Xyzabcrst: No.

Lieutenant: Not at all?

Xyzabcrst: We do not assign significance to the moment of emergence. It serves us no purpose. Many of us emerge simultaneously.

Major: So there’s no individuality tied to your birth?

Xyzabcrst: Individuality develops later. Your species celebrates a meaningless event.

Lieutenant: Damn.

Major: Okay, but humans use birthdays socially. Parties, gatherings, that kind of thing.

Xyzabcrst: Yes. I have observed your “birthday parties.” They are unhealthy nutrient distribution events.

Lieutenant: Nutrient distribution events?

Xyzabcrst: Cake.

Major: That’s fair.

Xyzabcrst: The cake is particularly interesting. You construct a dense sugar structure, insert small combustion devices, and then extinguish them with breath before consumption.

Lieutenant: Yeah, that’s normal.

Xyzabcrst: It is not normal. You are placing saliva particles onto a shared food surface and then distributing it.

Major: Well when you say it like that…

Lieutenant: Please don’t ruin cake.

Major: What about gifts? Do you understand that concept?

Xyzabcrst: You exchange objects to simulate appreciation.

Lieutenant: “Simulate”?

Xyzabcrst: In many cases, yes. I have reviewed your data networks. A significant portion of your population receives items they do not want.

Major: Ha, can’t argue with that.

Lieutenant: Socks.

Xyzabcrst: Yes. Textile foot coverings are frequently exchanged despite low emotional impact.

Major: Let’s talk about aging. Humans tend to reflect on their lives during birthdays.

Xyzabcrst: Yes. I have observed increased existential distress at higher orbit counts.

Lieutenant: Orbit counts?

Xyzabcrst: Years.

Major: What kind of distress?

Xyzabcrst: Statements such as “I thought I would have accomplished more by now,” and “Where did the time go?”

Lieutenant: Okay, now you’re just attacking me personally.

Xyzabcrst: I am quoting your internet.

Major: Do you see any value in birthdays at all?

Xyzabcrst: Yes.

Lieutenant: Oh, here we go.

Xyzabcrst: They are a structured excuse for social bonding. Your species requires periodic reinforcement of interpersonal connections.

Major: That’s actually a pretty reasonable take for you, Xyzabcrst.

Xyzabcrst: Without such rituals, many humans would not communicate with each other at all.

Lieutenant: Also accurate.

Major: What about children’s birthdays? Those are a big deal here.

Xyzabcrst: Yes. The smaller humans exhibit heightened excitement levels.

Lieutenant: Because it’s fun.

Xyzabcrst: It is because they are rewarded with sugar and attention simultaneously.

Major: That’s… also true.

Xyzabcrst: Additionally, they measure growth in orbit counts as a form of status progression.

Lieutenant: Yeah, kids love getting older.

Xyzabcrst: This enthusiasm declines over time.

Major: It sure does.

Xyzabcrst: By approximately your late twenties, the tone shifts from celebration to mild concern.

Major: Mild concern?

Xyzabcrst: Yes. I have observed phrases such as “I’m getting old” beginning as early as orbit 27.

Lieutenant: That’s not even old!

Xyzabcrst: Your species appears to disagree with itself on this matter.

Major: Final question. If you had to participate in a human birthday, what part would you engage with?

Xyzabcrst: I would observe the cake ritual.

Lieutenant: Of course you would.

Xyzabcrst: And I would analyze the distribution of gifts to determine social hierarchy within the group.

Major: That’s not how that works.

Xyzabcrst: It is how it appears to work.

Lieutenant: Honestly, sometimes it is.

Major: Alright, that’s enough for today.

Xyzabcrst: One question.

Major: Go ahead.

Xyzabcrst: Why do humans applaud after the extinguishing of the fire sticks?

Lieutenant: Because… Ahhh… Major?

Major: Yeah, I’ve never actually thought about that.

Xyzabcrst: Fascinating.

[END TRANSCRIPT]