DEAR JUAN: My teacher hates me!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Mi Hermana Josefina call Juan say “Juanito is birthday party today dónde estás?” Juan ask what you mean and Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan is Mi Hermano Rico birthday have big party at casa de la Mi Hermana Josefina. Juan forget but say “yes I remember I come very soon por favor”. Mi Hermana Josefina say “okay mi hermanito no forget pick up crazy drunk gringo Frosty too”.

Juan pick up Frosty and Frosty say “ey Juan I need beer amigo please stop at beer store por favor”. Juan say yes that is fine stop at corner bodega. Frosty say “okay Juan uno momento”. Juan wait 15 minute but Frosty no come back. Juan go inside bodega see Frosty drink beer with crazy gringo friend who no have teeth. Frosty see Juan scream “Ey Juan come drink beer with us amigo!” Crazy gringo friend say “Yes Juan mi amigo come drink beer with us!” Juan tell Frosty no pendejo we must leave go to party now. Crazy gringo friend say yes he come to party too. Juan tell crazy gringo man no and grab Frosty say “We leave now come on estupido”. Chinese man Al own bodega say “ey Juan here is free birthday beer give to Rico por favor”. Frosty say “Yes Al it is my birthday too please give me free beer too por favor”. Al tell Frosty no tell stupid lie and get out of bodega. Frosty say aye yai yai okay and leave with Juan.

Juan and Frosty come to party and Mi Hermana Josefina say “yes Juan but you forget to pick up cake” but that is life.

Today Juan answer question from Señora Brooke who ask question about Christmas in Mexico. Señora Brooke have teacher who no like her give her detention and mucho homework.

Dear Juan,

Hola mi amigo, it’s your pal Brooke!

Thanks for answering my question about Christmas in Mexico. I listened to El Burrito de Belén (tuki tuki tuki!) and now my mom thinks I’m weird. But like you say that’s life!

I have another question for ya. Don’t worry, this time I’m asking for advice!

I have a teacher who hates me! I don’t know what I did, but he hates my guts. He always singles me out in class for talking and being on my phone even when others are doing it. It’s always Brooke this and Brooke that. Last week he gave me after school detention because he said I was taking selfies but I wasn’t. I had something in my eye. Then today he gave me extra homework because he thought I wasn’t paying attention when I put my head down for a second because I had a f**king headache!

I want to get revenge on him, but I have two more years left in high school and I’m pretty sure my mom will kick me out if I get expelled. Give me some advice on how to deal with a mean teacher, por favor.

Oh, and sorry to hear about your abuela! I hope she’s at peace now.

Brooke D.

Thank you for your kind words Señora Brooke. We miss my abuela very much, but we know that she is now in heaven with her family, so that is good.

You ask Juan for advice and now Juan give to you.

Juan know what it is like to have teacher be mean. Juan old now no in school but long time ago in Ciudad Juárez little Juan go to school have very mean teacher Maestro Martinez. Maestro Martinez hate Juan very much yell at Juan every day no reason. Maestro Martinez also hit Juan with wooden ruler very hard. Ruler break and Juan laugh but Maestro Martinez say that is fine metal ruler no break stupid idiot and hit Juan with metal ruler.

You say “why you tell lie Juan is illegal teacher hit student”. Yes is illegal in America and Mexico too but in Mexico policía no care you tell policía “ey policía teacher hit me” policía say “Yes teacher hit you because you deserve it punk now we hit you too pendejo” beat you with nightstick and take wallet.

One day Juan ask Maestro Martinez “I go to bathroom por favor”. Maestro Martinez say “no Juan you no leave class eres estúpido you stay and learn”. Juan have to go poop really bad Juan tell Maestro Martinez “Maestro Martinez I must go poop now let me go por favor”. Maestro Martinez say “¡Qué pena!” Juan fart really loud smell muy asqueroso. Big Hernando sit next to Juan say “What in the hell Maestro Martinez I think Juan poop in pants”. Juan say no poop pants but must go to bathroom now or poop pants. Maestro Martinez tell Juan no leave class but use poop bucket in corner. Juan poop in bucket in corner and Maestro Martinez tell class “okay Juan go poop now he must wipe el culo give him paper por favor”. Everyone in class throw paper ball at Juan. Big Hernando say “no forget empty poop bucket Juan” and dump poop bucket on Juan. Everybody laugh at Juan even Dirty Pablo call Juan Señor Apestoso.

Juan go home tell Mi Hermano Rico what happen and Mi Hermano Rico say yes he have Maestro Martinez teacher two year ago. Mi Hermano Rico play muchas bromas on Maestro Martinez and that is why he hate Juan. Juan say yes that is good play muchas bromas on Maestro Martinez too.

Juan come to school very early in morning when Maestro Martinez no there. Juan pay janitor 100 peso say “open door por favor”. Janitor open door for Juan say what you do. Juan give janitor 100 more peso say “you no see me amigo”. Janitor say “Today is my lucky day I find 200 peso on floor” and pretend no see Juan. Juan eat mucho burrito extra hot sauce for breakfast come to school open Maestro Martinez desk and go poop in desk. Juan see nice sweater on chair wipe el culo on sweater. Juan also see porno magazine in desk too Juan want to take but then Juan have idea.

Juan go to principal say “Hola señor director I see Maestro Martinez look at dirty magazine and go poop in desk you look in desk you see”. Principal look in desk see poop and porno magazine say “aye yai yai! What in the hell Maestro Martinez I call policía”. Maestro Martinez say “what you mean señor director I no poop in desk” but principal call policía and Maestro Martinez no have money pay bribe because Juan steal wallet too. Juan tell Maestro Martinez “uno momento maestro you forget poop bucket” and throw poop bucket at Maestro Martinez. Policía laugh at funny joke and beat Maestro Martinez with nightstick take to jail.

Señora Brooke, Juan play joke on teacher but you no do this because you no live in Mexico. You play joke like Juan is you policía take to jail. Instead you must be very good student.

You must be very good student Señora Brooke. Very good student ask many question learn a lot. Teacher say “uno más uno son dos” you say “si maestro but why?” You ask many question teacher get angry say “what in hell Señora Brooke why you ask many stupid question?” You must tell teacher “I want to learn maestro I am very good student I pay attention ask question I must understand the material maestro.” Teacher get very angry send you to principal but that is fine because you tell principal you want to learn that is why you ask many question. Principal say yes that is good you are good student Señora Brooke. Teacher say “ey señor director Señora Brooke es una mala estudiante”. Principal say what you mean and teacher say “she ask too many question señor director”. Principal say “no eres un mal maestro Señora Brooke ask many question because she learn you are stupid fucking idiot I fire you now pendejo get the fuck out of my school or I call policía tell them I see you in girls locker room”.

Juan know school very hard Señora Brooke but you must be strong. Is only few month left you no have bad teacher next year so that is good. Juan also say no play on phone in class but Juan also know girl just want to have fun like in song by gringa Cindi Lauper so you play on phone but be careful bad teacher no see.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected] and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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