DEAR JUAN: My Brother Won't Get a Job!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan back with more advice!

Juan have very long week Uncle Paco tell Juan lunch truck break down and need new alternator. Juan say is okay because Mi Primo Hector own mechanic shop fix lunch truck. Uncle Paco call Mi Primo Hector ask how much fix and Mi Primo Hector say is $500. Uncle Paco say what in the hell Hector alternator only cost $150 on gringo website Rock Auto. Mi Primo Hector say “Yes tío but I charge asshole tax too.”

Later Mi Hermano Rico come to Uncle Paco shop. Uncle Paco ask Mi Hermano Rico help unload delivery but Mi Hermano Rico say “sorry tío I am too tired.” Uncle Paco ask why tired and Mi Hermano Rico say is because he stay up until 5 in morning drink Corona and watching woman shake ass on TikTok. Uncle Paco tell Mi Hermano Rico he is lazy pendejo and Mi Hermano Rico say no lazy because watching TikTok all night very hard work. Uncle Paco throw churro at Mi Hermano Rico and that is when Juan say “¡Dios mío! I forget I leave stove on I must go now!” and leave.

Today question come from woman who also have problem with lazy family member.

Dear Juan,

My brother is 27 years old and still lives with our parents. He doesn’t work. He doesn’t go to school. He doesn’t help around the house. All he does is sit in his room playing video games and arguing with strangers online.

My parents keep making excuses for him. Every time I bring it up they say he’s “finding himself.” He’s been finding himself for almost ten years.

The final straw came last week when he borrowed my car without permission, used all the gas, and then told me I should be grateful because he washed it afterward.

What can I do? Nobody listens to me.

Sarah T.

Señora Sarah, your brother sound like man Juan see outside Wawa ask stranger for cigarette then complain cigarette no menthol.

Juan know person like this, is mí primo Diego. Juan tell you story about Diego now.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Diego very lazy do nothing all day. Juan and Mi Hermano Rico work very hard help abuelita but Diego no work. Instead Diego sit outside drink beer and play guitar. Mi Hermano Rico say “ey Diego what you do come help us pull weed at casa de abuelita por favor” and Diego say “No señor I am sorry but I must play guitar I become famous rock star make mucho dinero.” Diego say this many time many year but still sit outside on el culo drink mucho beer play guitar but no help abuelita. Diego also borrow mucho dinero buy beer and guitar string too no pay back.

One day Uncle Paco say “Diego mi sobrino, I need your help por favor.” Diego say “sorry tío I am too busy today no help ask Juan and Rico instead.” Uncle Paco say what you mean is summer very busy time of year many gringo tourist come to Mexico now we sell many shirt make mucho dinero. Diego say “I am busy mi tío I practice guitar become big rock star make mucho dinero.” Uncle Paco tell Diego “No Diego no play guitar anymore you must work real job now you no become famous rock star you sound like basura no is music, is sound cat make when die in alley behind bar. We go sell shirt now ¡vámanos!”

Uncle Paco make Diego work very hard. Uncle Paco tell Diego “You like to drink amigo? That is fine you go into gringo tourist bar find shirt gringo tourist leave behind bring to me and I sell.” Uncle Paco send Diego into many bar find shirt crazy drunk gringo tourist leave behind. Diego complain is very hard work but Uncle Paco laugh say “You wait until next week mi sobrino you see hard work hahaha.” Diego say what you mean but Uncle Paco just laugh.

Next week Uncle Paco and Mi Hermano Rico come to Diego house early in morning. Mi Hermano Rico knock on door and Diego say “Who it is? I sleep now come back later por favor.” Mi Hermano Rico say “Is me Diego open door por favor I have money for you señor.” Diego open door think he get money. instead he get tied up and thrown in back of Uncle Paco truck. Diego say “why does it smell like poop in back of truck what in the hell.” Uncle Paco say is manure bag he bring to landscaping job. Mi Hermano Rico say “Yes Diego now Uncle Paco have two bag of shit in back of truck hahaha.”

Uncle Paco bring Diego to job say “Hola amigos I bring new worker he is mi sobrino Diego. He drink mucho beer play guitar too.” El Jefe say “You play guitar Diego? I play guitar too I play you song right now amigo, is called ‘Get the fuck to work lazy pendejo.'” El Jefe play air guitar sing crazy song make fun of Diego.

Diego come home complain say no go back to job but Uncle Paco make Diego go. Diego go to work at landscape job every day and complain but then Diego get paycheck and that is when Diego stop complain because now he buy mucho beer and new guitar too. Diego save mucho dinero buy truck. Later Juan see Diego start own landscaping business with man from job. Juan ask what is company name and Diego say is Rockstar Landscaping play song on guitar about company.

Señora Sarah, Juan have bad news you no like but you must hear anyway.

You no fix lazy brother and parents no fix lazy brother either because they make life very easy. Parents buy food pay electric bill too and Xbox stay on so why he worry about job? You tell parents brother is lazy and that is all you can do. They keep make life easy for lazy brother then that is their problem and you no can fix.

You say “But Juan Uncle Paco and Mi Hermano Rico kidnap Diego make him work then that is what I do too.” In Mexico is okay kidnap familia but you do this in America policía say “ey punk why you kidnap familia I take you to jail now no care if you have bribe.” You no kidnap brother.

But do not worry there is something you do it is very easy and Juan tell you what right now.

You say brother borrow car no ask. Señora Sarah that is stealing. Brother no borrow car he steal it. You must hide car keys so brother no find. If brother find anyway and take car again you say “ey punk you steal car what the fuck.” Brother say “What you mean I no steal car I borrow I bring back see is in big gringo driveway.” You must tell brother “no pendejo I no give you permission that is stealing you steal car again I call policía say car is stolen stupid fucking idiot.” Brother say “but I put gas in car” and that is when you say “Here is gas puto” and fart very loud.

Juan read last paragraph think is funny but Juan remember you are woman and woman no find fart joke funny so you no fart but you do everything else Juan say.

Your brother must make choice on his own like Diego make choice. Yes Uncle Paco and Mi Hermano Rico kidnap Diego but Diego make choice stay at job start company make mucho dinero. No force brother work because you cannot do this but no give him free ride with car keys. Brother ask for car no give him keys instead sing song by crazy gringo band Offspring “hey man why you no get job.”

You no control brother or parents Señora Sarah but you control you and you control car key too. Juan say tell lazy brother to take bus.

Juan say love family but no let family drag you down.

Have a lazy brother, freeloading cousin, useless roommate, or family member who thinks your belongings are community property? Email Señor Juan your question at [email protected] and maybe he’ll explain how to handle it without kidnapping anyone (because apparently that’s still illegal in America).

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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