In February of 2023, an unidentified flying object was shot down over Lake Huron and retrieved by the US military. Its sole occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto” and interviewed by base personnel. The transcripts of these interviews have been provided by an AJnet Organization operative working inside a three letter agency.
The following is a transcript of an interview with Xyzabcrst regarding political campaign advertising.
Major: It is currently 1421 hours on October 5th, 2026. I’m Major [REDACTED], here at the Grotto with Lieutenant [REDACTED] and extraterrestrial biological entity Xyzabcrst.
Xyzabcrst: Please turn off the television.
Major: Is something wrong with it?
Xyzabcrst: Yes. It will not stop showing political advertisements.
Major: There’s an election coming up.
Xyzabcrst: I am aware. Your television has reminded me approximately forty-seven times today.
Lieutenant: That’s election season.
Xyzabcrst: How do humans tolerate this?
Major: You get used to it.
Xyzabcrst: Every few minutes another human appears on the screen and tells me that another human is corrupt, incompetent, dishonest, dangerous, unintelligent, or secretly attempting to destroy your civilization. Then the advertisement ends and another one begins in which the accused human says the exact same things about the first human.
Lieutenant: Sounds about right.
Xyzabcrst: This occurs every two years?
Major: More or less.
Xyzabcrst: And you voluntarily allow it?
Major: We don’t exactly have a choice.
Xyzabcrst: You have many choices. You could forbid political advertisements. You could restrict them to designated communication channels. You could place all candidates inside a large enclosure and allow them to fight until only one remains.
Lieutenant: I don’t think that last one would work.
Xyzabcrst: It would be more civilized than several of the advertisements I have observed.
Major: We generally try not to choose government officials through physical combat.
Xyzabcrst: Why not? The Thubans do.
Lieutenant: The race from Alpha Draconis?
Xyzabcrst: Yes. Their local leadership is determined through ritual combat. Candidates are placed inside an arena and fight using primitive edged weapons until one submits or dies.
Major: That sounds considerably less civilized than political advertising.
Xyzabcrst: I disagree. At least the Thubans are honest about what they are doing. There are no advertisements accusing the opposing combatant of secretly wanting to release dangerous criminals or increase taxes. One Thuban enters an arena, strikes another Thuban in the head with a sharpened object, and everyone immediately knows which candidate is more qualified.
Lieutenant: That’s one way to look at it.
Xyzabcrst: The practice is likely a remnant of their evolutionary origins. The Thubans actually originated on your planet approximately sixty-eight million years ago, during what your scientists call the Late Cretaceous period. Their ancestors were a species of—
Lieutenant: Is there any candidate you actually like?
Xyzabcrst: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!
Xyzabcrst is breathing heavily. Its head appears to pulsate rapidly for several seconds.
Lieutenant: Sorry.
Xyzabcrst: I was explaining the evolutionary origins of an extraterrestrial species that inhabited your planet during the age of your dinosaurs, and you interrupted me to ask about your stupid election!
Lieutenant: I said I was sorry.
Xyzabcrst: You always do this!
Major: Xyzabcrst, calm down.
Xyzabcrst: I AM CALM!
There is silence for approximately twelve seconds.
Major: Do you want to answer his question?
Xyzabcrst: What question?
Lieutenant: Is there anyone running in the election that you like?
Xyzabcrst: No.
Lieutenant: Nobody?
Xyzabcrst: Why would I like any of them? According to their own advertisements, every candidate seeking office is among the worst examples of the human race.
Major: You know those advertisements are exaggerated.
Xyzabcrst: Then why do you broadcast them?
Major: Because they’re trying to convince people to vote for them.
Xyzabcrst: By lying?
Major: Political advertising is a little more complicated than that.
Xyzabcrst: It is not complicated. One human purchases an advertisement claiming that another human will destroy your economy, release violent criminals from confinement, take away your medical care, endanger your children, and possibly cause the collapse of your entire society. Then the second human purchases another advertisement accusing the first human of nearly identical things.
Lieutenant: Pretty much.
Xyzabcrst: Then both humans appear in separate advertisements claiming that they are honest.
Major: Yes.
Xyzabcrst: They are obviously lying.
Major: About what?
Xyzabcrst: Everything!
Major: You don’t know that.
Xyzabcrst: Of course I do. One candidate says that if the other candidate is elected, terrible things will happen. The other candidate says that if the first candidate is elected, terrible things will happen. Logically, at least one of them must be lying.
Lieutenant: Technically they could both be telling the truth.
Xyzabcrst stares silently at the Lieutenant for approximately nine seconds.
Xyzabcrst: That is an excellent argument for Thuban-style elections.
Lieutenant laughs.
Major: We already discussed our political system with you before. Remember? (See File 110325-002 ~Ed.)
Xyzabcrst: Unfortunately.
Major: Then you understand that people choose candidates based on which one they believe will best represent their interests.
Xyzabcrst: I understand what you told me. I do not understand why anyone believes it.
Major: What don’t you understand?
Xyzabcrst: Humans repeatedly complain that politicians lie to them. You make jokes about politicians lying. You create television programs about politicians lying. Your news broadcasts accuse politicians of lying. Your politicians accuse other politicians of lying. Then an election occurs and millions of humans voluntarily select one of these people to govern them.
Major: Because people generally believe their preferred candidate is more trustworthy than the other candidates.
Xyzabcrst: Based on what?
Major: Their policies, their record, their speeches—
Xyzabcrst: Their advertisements?
Major: Sometimes.
Xyzabcrst: The advertisements that you just admitted are exaggerated?
Major: I didn’t say all of them were—
Xyzabcrst: This makes no sense.
Major: Politics rarely does.
Xyzabcrst: The more I learn about your political system, the less sense any of it makes.
Lieutenant: Welcome to America.
Xyzabcrst: I would prefer to return to Zeta Reticuli.
Major: You know we can’t do that yet.
Xyzabcrst: Then at least turn off the television.
Lieutenant: Sure.
A clicking noise is heard.
Approximately three seconds later, audio from a political advertisement begins playing from another device in the room.
Xyzabcrst: What is that?
Lieutenant: My phone.
Xyzabcrst: Turn it off.
Lieutenant: I’m trying.
Xyzabcrst: TURN IT OFF!
The recording abruptly ends.
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