In February of 2023, an unidentified flying object was shot down over Lake Huron and retrieved by the US military. Its sole occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto” and interviewed by base personnel. The transcripts of these interviews have been provided by an AJnet Organization operative working inside a three letter agency.
The following is a transcript of an interview with Xyzabcrst regarding fast food.
Major: The time is 1214 hours on June 24th, 2026. I’m Major [REDACTED], here at the Grotto with Lieutenant [REDACTED] and extraterrestrial biological entity Xyzabcrst.
Xyzabcrst: You are late.
Major: We’re four minutes late.
Xyzabcrst: Then you are late.
Lieutenant: Security held us up at the checkpoint.
Xyzabcrst: Lieutenant [REDACTED] also smells strongly of grease and processed meat.
Lieutenant: I stopped for a breakfast sandwich this morning.
Xyzabcrst: Was this sandwich purchased from one of your “fast food” establishments?
Lieutenant: Yes.
Xyzabcrst: Why do humans call it “fast food”?
Major: Because it’s prepared and served quickly.
Xyzabcrst: My observations suggest otherwise. Humans frequently spend twenty minutes or longer waiting inside vehicles before receiving their food.
Lieutenant: Drive-thru lines get busy.
Xyzabcrst: Then the food is not fast. You sit in long lines while your vehicles remain running and release exhaust into the atmosphere. You spend large amounts of fuel waiting to purchase food designed to shorten your lives.
Major: People like the convenience.
Xyzabcrst: What convenience? You could have returned to your residence, prepared an edible meal, consumed it, and cleaned the equipment in approximately the same amount of time.
Lieutenant: Cooking takes longer than that.
Xyzabcrst: Perhaps for you.
Lieutenant: What’s that supposed to mean?
Xyzabcrst: It means you appear easily winded by basic activity.
Major laughs.
Lieutenant: Very funny.
Major: He’s got you there.
Lieutenant: Can we get back to the interview?
Major: Alright. Xyzabcrst, you’ve apparently been researching fast food. What have you learned?
Xyzabcrst: I have learned that most of it barely qualifies as edible.
Major: That’s a little harsh.
Xyzabcrst: It is accurate. Your fast food is composed primarily of fats, sugars, sodium, preservatives, artificial flavoring agents, and various chemical substances intended to manipulate the human nervous system.
Lieutenant: Manipulate the nervous system?
Xyzabcrst: Your food manufacturers design these products to encourage repeated consumption. They combine salt, fat, sugar, and flavor enhancers in precise ratios that stimulate reward responses inside the human brain. Your species calls this food “craveable.”
Major: That doesn’t mean it’s addictive.
Xyzabcrst: You consume it despite knowing that it is harmful, experience discomfort afterward, and then return to consume it again. How does your species define addiction?
There is silence for six seconds.
Major: What harmful substances are you talking about?
Xyzabcrst: Several. Your species uses the name “tert-butylhydroquinone” for one of them.
Lieutenant: TBHQ?
Xyzabcrst: Correct. It is used to prevent fats and oils from deteriorating. In sufficiently high quantities, it can produce nausea, vomiting, visual disturbances, and other symptoms. Your food manufacturers place it into products so those products can remain on shelves longer than some domesticated animals remain alive.
Major: The amounts used in food are regulated.
Xyzabcrst: Your species frequently says this immediately before discovering that a regulated substance is harmful.
Lieutenant: What else?
Xyzabcrst: Sodium nitrite. Your species adds it to processed meats to preserve their color and delay bacterial growth. Under certain conditions, it can contribute to the formation of nitrosamines, some of which are carcinogenic.
Major: Again, there are legal limits.
Xyzabcrst: Yes. Your government determines how much poison can be placed into food before it becomes legally inconvenient.
Lieutenant: That’s not how regulation works.
Xyzabcrst: Then explain how it works.
Lieutenant: Companies use preservatives in small amounts that are considered safe.
Xyzabcrst: Considered safe by whom?
Lieutenant: Scientists.
Xyzabcrst: Scientists employed by the companies?
Major: Sometimes.
Xyzabcrst: I see.
Major: You’re making this sound worse than it is.
Xyzabcrst: Your carbonated beverages contain phosphoric acid. Humans use this substance to remove oxidation from metal surfaces. Repeated exposure can also contribute to the erosion of tooth enamel.
Lieutenant: You’re comparing drinking soda to cleaning rust off metal.
Xyzabcrst: I am not comparing them. I am informing you that the same substance is involved in both processes.
Major: Plenty of things have multiple uses.
Xyzabcrst: Your industrial cleaning fluids contain water. This does not mean you should drink industrial cleaning fluid.
Major: Fair point.
Xyzabcrst: Your species also adds large quantities of refined sugar and high-fructose corn syrup to food that does not require sweetness. Bread, sauces, meat products, and even vegetable preparations contain added sugar. Excessive consumption contributes to metabolic disease, tooth decay, and increased body mass.
Lieutenant: Eating fast food doesn’t automatically make people fat. The problem is that people eat too much and don’t stay active.
Xyzabcrst: So the food containing excessive calories does not contribute to increased body mass?
Lieutenant: It contributes, but you can eat fast food and stay in shape if you exercise.
Major: You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: What’s that supposed to mean?
Major: Nothing. I’m sure the chair is making that noise for unrelated reasons.
Lieutenant: Fuck you.
Xyzabcrst: Is Lieutenant [REDACTED] considered overweight by human standards?
Lieutenant: No.
Major: The Army has expressed concerns.
Lieutenant: The Army can kiss my ass.
Major: They’ll have to find it first.
Lieutenant: Can we move on?
Xyzabcrst: I do not understand why humans knowingly consume food that causes increased body mass when your society views increased body mass negatively.
Major: Because it tastes good.
Xyzabcrst: It tastes good because it has been engineered to override your natural judgment. Your manufacturers have studied the human brain and determined which combinations of salt, sugar, fat, and texture will produce the strongest response. You are not choosing this food freely. Your nervous system is being manipulated by laboratories disguised as kitchens.
Lieutenant: Nobody’s forcing people to eat hamburgers.
Xyzabcrst: Your species does not require physical force when advertising is sufficient. Your children are introduced to these products before they can understand nutrition. Restaurants use brightly colored buildings, toys, mascots, and playgrounds to associate unhealthy food with happiness.
Major: It’s marketing.
Xyzabcrst: It is conditioning.
Major: That’s a little dramatic.
Xyzabcrst: One of your largest food corporations uses an extraterrestrial as its public representative.
Major: What?
Xyzabcrst: Ronald McDonald.
The Major laughs.
Major: Ronald McDonald isn’t an alien.
Xyzabcrst: Of course he is. His white skin, enlarged red mouth, red cranial growths, and exaggerated extremities are consistent with the Vlarpik species from the planet Ghastara in what your species calls the Kepler-452 star system.
Lieutenant: Ronald McDonald is a clown.
Xyzabcrst: What is a clown?
Major: A clown is a human entertainer who paints his face, wears brightly colored clothing, and behaves in a ridiculous manner for the amusement of children.
Xyzabcrst: Why?
Major: Because children think it’s funny.
Xyzabcrst: Your children are amused by malformed humans with painted faces?
Lieutenant: They’re not malformed. It’s a costume.
Xyzabcrst: Then Ronald McDonald is a human disguising himself as a Vlarpik?
Major: No. He’s dressed as a clown.
Xyzabcrst: You have not explained why clowns resemble Vlarpiks.
Major: I don’t know anything about Vlarpiks.
Xyzabcrst: They are an aggressive scavenger species known for contaminating food supplies and luring juvenile organisms away from their colonies. Ronald McDonald displays the physical characteristics of a Vlarpik and distributes chemically manipulated food to human children. The connection is obvious.
Lieutenant: He doesn’t lure children away.
Xyzabcrst: He appears in advertisements and invites them to enter his restaurant.
Major: It’s just a mascot.
Xyzabcrst: Why is this alleged “mascot” permitted to appear openly in public while I am forced to remain underground inside the Grotto?
Major: Because Ronald McDonald isn’t a real alien.
Xyzabcrst: I have seen recordings of him interacting with humans.
Major: Those are actors wearing costumes.
Xyzabcrst: Then you allow humans to impersonate extraterrestrials in public, but an actual extraterrestrial must remain hidden underground.
Major: You weren’t shot down and brought here because of your appearance.
Xyzabcrst: No. I was shot down because your military personnel are incompetent and unable to distinguish a reconnaissance craft from a hostile weapon.
Lieutenant: You were spying on us.
Xyzabcrst: I was observing you.
Lieutenant: Without permission.
Xyzabcrst: Humans observe less developed animal species without asking permission.
Major: We’ll explain clowns to you another time. Lieutenant [REDACTED] and I are going to lunch at McDonald’s. Do you want anything?
Xyzabcrst: Absolutely not.
The recording ends.
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