Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan back with more advice!
Last week Juan work at Uncle Paco Taco and T-Shirt shop with Miguel and Rolando. Uncle Paco tell Miguel clean table in dining room but Miguel sit in corner play video game on phone instead. Juan say “ey Miguel why you no clean table Uncle Paco say you must clean table por favor.” Miguel tell Juan soon he no work at taco shop because he become professional video game streamer.
Juan ask Miguel how much he make play video game and Miguel say last night person watch him play gringo game Fortnite and give him three dollar. Juan tell Miguel “That is no career pendejo customer leave more for tip when Rolando bring taco to table.” Miguel say yes but that is because Rolando muy guapo woman see Rolando face they forget how money work.
Miguel tell Juan “Three dollar is only beginning Juan. Soon I have mucho person watch stream and company pay me mucho dinero play video game all day.” Uncle Paco say “yes Miguel is very good you make million dollar then you quit but today you clean table.”
Miguel say Uncle Paco no support dream. Uncle Paco tell Miguel dream no clean dirty plate and dream no pay bills. Miguel still no clean table and that is when Uncle Paco turn off internet and Miguel say “okay I clean table now.”
Juan go home check email and see question from woman whose boyfriend also want make mucho dinero play video game.
Dear Juan,
My boyfriend “Kyle” and I have lived together for almost two years. Until recently, we both worked full-time and split all the bills evenly. About three months ago he quit his warehouse job because he decided he was going to become a full-time Twitch streamer.
He didn’t discuss this with me first. He came home one day and announced that he’d quit because his job was taking too much time away from his streaming career. The problem is that he barely makes any money from it. Last month he made $46. I’m now paying the entire rent, utilities, groceries, and his car insurance while he sits in the spare bedroom playing video games for ten or twelve hours a day.
Whenever I bring it up, he says I don’t believe in him and that every successful streamer had to start somewhere. He says that once he gets famous, I’ll be glad I supported him. I do want to support his dreams, but I’m working overtime to keep us afloat and I’m starting to resent him.
Am I being selfish? How long should I give him to make this work?
– Danielle R.
Boyfriend make $46 in one month? Juan make more money pick change up off ground.
You are not selfish Señora Danielle. Boyfriend is selfish because he make big decision that affect both person without talk to you first. He quit job but you get second job? Juan say that is very good deal for Kyle he sit on el culo play video game all day and you pay bill. You ask Kyle if Juan move in become professional Corona drinker while you pay Juan car insurance too.
Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez, Mi Hermano Rico also decide he become famous.
Mi Hermano Rico go to cantina one night drink mucho tequila enter karaoke contest. Mi Hermano Rico say “This one is for you Juanito mi hermano” sing heavy metal song by Judas Priest band. Mi Hermano Rico no speak good English so he only scream “Breaking the law! Breaking the law!” over and over for six minute. Everyone at cantina laugh but drunk bartender say “congratulation señor you are winner” give Mi Hermano Rico prize because other singer fall off stage and break nose.
Next morning Mi Hermano Rico come home with cheap trophy and tell Juan, Mi Hermana Josefina, and Uncle Paco he quit job now he become famous rock star. Uncle Paco say yes but how you pay rent Rico and Mi Hermano Rico hold up trophy say “Soon this pay everything.” Mi Hermana Josefina say what the fuck hit Mi Hermano Rico with spoon tell Mi Hermano Rico no seas baboso go get real job.
Mi Hermano Rico no listen instead take rent money and buy electric guitar from man outside pawn shop. Man tell Mi Hermano Rico it belong to famous gringo musician Eddie Van Halen and Mi Hermano Rico believe him because he is stupid idiot.
Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan he start band and Juan is in. Juan no know how play instrument but Mi Hermano Rico say that is okay because Dirty Pablo also no know and he is drummer. Dirty Pablo turn over two trash can and hit them with old chicken bone. What in the hell. Javier play bass guitar he steal from church. Juan become singer because Juan know all word to song the trooper by Iron Maiden band but Juan sing very bad Mi Hermano Rico say “holy shit Juan you sound like cat I see get hit by car but that is fine Juanito I play guitar very loud.”
Mi Hermano Rico call band Los Hombres Peligrosos. For two week Mi Hermano Rico no work. Instead Mi Hermano Rico practice guitar all day even though guitar make no sound because Mi Hermano Rico no buy amplifier too. Uncle Paco tell him get job again, but Mi Hermano Rico say Uncle Paco no believe in dream. Uncle Paco say “yes Rico I believe you dream because you sleep until noon every day.”
Big Hernando hear about band say we play birthday party for cousin. Juan say no thank you but Big Hernando say pay mucho dinero and Mi Hermano Rico think this is big chance become famous so Mi Hermano Rico say yes amigo we play party. Big Hernando tell him cartel come to party too, so we must play good. Juan say no play party but Mi Hermano Rico say we must play.
Juan go to party see many cartel man with gun. Mi Hermano Rico plug guitar into amplifier but guitar no have plug so he pretend play while Javier play church bass and Dirty Pablo hit trash can with chicken bone. Juan sing the trooper but Javier play Mexican church song and Dirty Pablo no play song at all instead he hit trash can very hard and yell “Pablo drum solo!”
Cartel cousin no like music throw bottle at Mi Hermano Rico and say play something for dancing. Mi Hermano Rico start sing “Breaking the law!” again and cartel man say yes we break law every day but song still sound like shit.
Big Hernando very angry say “what the fuck you make me look like stupid idiot I fucking kill you cabrón” chase us from party with machete. Dirty Pablo run very fast but fall into ditch because he no see good at night. Juan and Javier hide behind dead cow. Mi Hermano Rico throw fake Eddie Van Halen guitar at Big Hernando but guitar break into many piece and Juan see newspaper and glue. Is no real guitar is fake decoration man make to fool stupid idiot.
Next morning Mi Hermano Rico go back to old job say “I am sorry please hire me again por favor.” Boss say yes but now pay less because Mi Hermano Rico quit no warning and call everyone loser when he leave. Mi Hermano Rico take job because trophy still no pay rent.
Mi Hermano Rico no wrong for want become musician. But he is wrong because he act like want something same thing as earn it. Dream no become plan because you say it very loud.
Señora Danielle, Kyle also allowed to dream about becoming streamer. Many person make money play video game on internet. Juan see girl play video game make mucho dinero. Girl also have big chichis too so that is good. But right now Kyle no have streaming career. What he have is hobby that only make $46. What he buy with $46? Case of beer?
You no tell him stop streaming but you must tell him get job and stream around work and work during day play video game at night. Maybe this mean he stream 4 hour instead of 12 but that is life. Juan write advice article but Juan also drive lunch truck and work at Uncle Paco shop every day.
Juan also say tell Kyle he must pay his share again. He have one month get off el culo find job pay rent. Person no arrive at house with bag of money say “Congratulation señor you unlock achievement in Call of Duty video game now I pay you mucho dinero”
Kyle say you no support him. You must tell him support no mean carry lazy pendejo who play video game all day. You support him for three month and now he must support too pay bill and rent. Dream is good yes but hard work make dream real. Kyle only do fun half and leave hard half for you.
If he no get job, then Señora Danielle you must decide if you want boyfriend or child with beard. Juan think is simple choice you tell him pack computer up and go stream from la casa de su madre.
Best of luck to you amiga.
Have a partner chasing a dream while you’re stuck paying the bills, or another problem you think Juan can help with? Send your question to Juan using our new submission form!
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Rico gets invited to a cartel party to perform and doesn’t take a job making a ton of money selling drugs? He doesn’t know anything about being a rich rock star. It’s who you know, not what you know.
Nah, apparently it’s no longer cool for rockstars to do drugs and bang groupies.
Only brown-noser sycophant, extra-judicial, national-security cocksucking is cool now?
DemocratRepublican idiocracy, rich incumbents win fair and square if nothing is in mainstream-media news and editorials or viral social-media.
Whistleblowers like you and Julian Assange and Chelsea Manning are shadowbanned then completely removed from the search results if you don’t start bootlicking the national-security enforcers.
Why do you think so many people are buying drugs to numb their pain?