DEAR JUAN: What should I do with my life?

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez little Juanito have big dream.

Little Juanito see man drive trash truck tell Mi Hermana Josefina “I want to drive big truck just like him”. Mi Hermana Josefina say “Why you want drive trash truck Juanito? Trash truck muy sucio smell bad too.” Little Juanito say I no care trash truck es muy grande eat basura like dinosaur.

Little Juanito tell Uncle Paco drive trash truck and Uncle Paco say yes that is fine I know man drive trash truck is Vincente. Uncle Paco say he talk to Vincente at bar let little Juanito ride trash truck.

Little Juanito wake up la mañana see trash truck outside. Uncle Paco say today is your lucky day Juanito you ride trash truck with Vincente. Vincente tell little Juanito “Vámanos niño! We have busy day Juan we go now!”

Vincente drive around pick up trash. Trash truck get very full and Vincente tell little Juanito “okay Juan Señor Camión work very hard he very hungry now he must eat and you must help him. Pull that lever por favor.” Little Juanito pull lever and trash truck crush trash. Little Juanito very happy say “I do again por favor” but Vincente say “We must make stop first niño pick up very important trash.”

Vincente drive to building little Juanito no sure what is but little Juanito see man in cowboy boots know is cartel. Vincente honk horn and man whistle very loud. Vincente tell little Juanito “Keep eyes closed niño no look”. Little Juanito say yes but peek anyway. Little Juanito see two man bring out big rug little Juanito see foot stick out of rug. Little Juanito no understand but now Juan know is dead body what in the hell.

Throw rug in trash truck and little Juanito say “I pull lever now feed Señor Camión!” Vincente say no wait but little Juanito jump out of truck grab lever pull. Vincente say “¡Dios mío! What you do Juan?” Cartel man laugh say “Oh look what do we have here? Is big working man in trash truck you take care of trash for us we take care of you now.” Cartel man give little Juanito 5000 peso say “You are working man now mi amigo you earn mucho dinero.” Vincente tell little Juanito get the fuck back in truck no talk to cartel man. Little Juanito get back in truck see Vincente talk to cartel man cartel man give Vincente mucho peso. Vincente get in truck say “Juan you are very lucky no tell Uncle Paco por favor.” Little Juanito say yes that is fine but come home and Mi Hermano Rico see little Juanito have mucho dinero tell Mi Hermana Josefina. Mi Hermana Josefina say “how you get mucho dinero Juanito?” Little Juanito tell Mi Hermana Josefina I am big working man now I make mucho dinero pick up cartel trash. Mi Hermana Josefina say what the fuck beat little Juanito with frying pan tell little Juanito no ride trash truck again. Mi Hermana Josefina tell Uncle Paco and Uncle Paco say “Aye yai yai what in the hell why Vincente do this? Okay mi sobrina I talk to him.”

Little Juanito see Vincente trash truck say “Hola amigo! I feed Señor Camión now por favor!” Vincente say go fuck yourself Juan no talk to me ever again rajón. Little Juanito say yes that is fine but is not fine little Juanito very sad but that is life.

You read this you say “Yes Juan but why you tell story about want drive trash truck?” Juan tell story because today Juan answer question from mi amiga Señora Brooke about what do with life.

Dear Juan,

Hola mi amigo, it is your pal Señora Brooke!

I followed your advice (Editor’s note: See “My teacher hates me!“) and it drove Mr. Burke CRAZY! He sent me to the dean but the dean doesn’t like him either so he said it was funny and told me to just behave myself and not ask too many questions.

Anyway, I passed sophomore year. Two more years left!

But I needs ya advice again, por favor!

After graduation, I want to go to beauty school and be a hairdresser. My mom says being a hairdresser isn’t a good job, and I need to go to college. She likes to throw my big sister in my face. “Angela went to college, now she’s a dental hygienist. You should go to college Brooke, you’re too smart to waste your life being a hairdresser!” For the record my sister thinks I should become a hairdresser if that’s what I want.

My mom thinks I’m going to spend the rest of my life working in Supercuts or something. I told her that I want to open up my own business one day but she says I’m being unrealistic.

Be honest with me Juan, am I wrong? I like doing hair and I’m really sure that’s what I want to do with my life, but I’m worried that maybe my mom is right and being a hairdresser isn’t a good job. What do you think?

Brooke D.

Señora Brooke, you must follow your passion.

Tu madre say hair dresser no good job but Juan think that is not true because Juan see many señora go to hair dresser. Mi Hermana Josefina go to hair dresser pay mucho dinero get hair curl and dye too say is $200 what in the hell Juan go to barber only pay $25. Tu madre say no go to beauty school become hair dresser no make mucho dinero. That is when you say “Yes mama but how much you pay for nice haircut?” Tu madre say she pay mucho dinero and you must say “Yes mama that is why I go to beauty school I make mucho dinero too you come to me mama I cut your hair for free la familia no pay mucho dinero.”

Yes sister Angela go to college that is good too make mucho dinero but you make mucho dinero too no go to college. Juan see many gringo go to college no have job and complain “aye yai yai Señor Banco say I must pay big gringo college loan back now but I no have job!” Juan ask AJ and AJ say yes college is big scam no waste money go to gringo college (AJ also wrote an article about this many years ago… ~Ed.). Juan tell AJ tu madre say hair dresser no good job and AJ say what you mean is very good job have friend who is hair dresser with own business make mucho dinero.

Señora Brooke, Juan say yes you go to beauty school become hair dresser. You work very hard dress hair very good and many woman come to hair salon say “I want Señora Brooke do my hair por favor”. You have many loyal customer make mucho dinero and say “okay now I open up shop. You come to Señora Brooke Hair Studio por favor I am business owner now no work for rich person I work for me now.” You open own shop just like Uncle Paco but no sell taco cut hair instead. Tu madre no support you that is fine you no give her free haircut at shop. But Juan think tu madre understand later see you are happy and make mucho dinero.

Señora Brooke, if you want to go to beauty school then that is what you should do. Do not let anybody tell you it is not a good job. Believe in yourself and work hard and you will succeed. I have faith in you.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Send Juan an email at [email protected] or leave a comment below, and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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